my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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