You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
