im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
