the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
