she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
