Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
