i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
