so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
