Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
