I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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