I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
