When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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