I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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