Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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