yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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