i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
