my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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