my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
