my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
