I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
