What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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