I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
