Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
