I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
