I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
