I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
