I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
