You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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