i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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