I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
