you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
