i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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