I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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