I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
