what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
