Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
