dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
