I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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