Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
