i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
