...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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