Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
