I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
