Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
