The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
