By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
