Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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