so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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