Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If I die, sorry about rent.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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