i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
